I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
