today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
