I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I pour the whiskey from now on
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
