I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
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Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
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Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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