my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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