i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Randomize
