Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
