I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize
