dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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