I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
