just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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