i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
