oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
its not stalking. its research.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
