Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
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