I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
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No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
