plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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