I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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