conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I didn't notice because vodka
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Randomize
