FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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