I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
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oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I don't deserve a penis
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She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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