Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
