alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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