i'm lost and i look like a hooker
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Randomize
