Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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