HIV tests are more positive than that guy
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
