i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
