How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Randomize
