Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
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he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
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He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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