He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
