Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
