i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
