I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
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I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
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THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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