I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
