She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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