There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
