seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
