The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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