i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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