My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Randomize
