there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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