I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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