It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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