before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
