I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
