I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Randomize
