Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
