Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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