i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
