I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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