So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
