Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
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