i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
