he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
