Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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