I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Randomize
