Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
you guys were way drunker than both of me
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
