I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Randomize
