I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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