somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
