shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
