Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
